What could have been

I get up in the morning, shower and get ready, go to work, eat lunch, back to work, then I go home, eat some dinner, watch TV or read, wash my face and go to bed, repeat. This is pretty much my life. Granted work is really slow for me right now because I'm kind of in between clients, but man my life is pretty ho-hum. No boyfriend, no kids, just me and the cats. Weekends for the most part are for cleaning, doing the laundry, and going out with my friends. I've developed quite a routine, but it's starting to feel more like a rut.

My best friend from high school, M, and I playfully argue about our lives when I get home to visit (and by home I mean my parents' home - where I was raised). M tells me that she wishes she had my freedom to do what I like when I like it and is envious that I don't have anyone tying me down. I tell her that I wish I had someone with whom to share my life and wish I had two beautiful daughters who loved me unconditionally like she has.

Although it's true that I would like to a have a family of my own someday, I tell her this pretty much so she realizes the good things in her life. Ma is having some problems with depression and her marriage. She and her husband, P, have always had financial problems to the point they can't keep their phone connected because they can't afford to pay the bills (which means I can't talk to her as often as I'd like). I found out on one of my last trips home that they are sleeping in separate rooms. Since they only have a two bedroom house, each is sleeping in the same room with one of their girls - P sleeps on the bottom bunk of the girls' bunk bed with their oldest in the top bunk while M and their youngest sleep in the big bed.

M and I sort of followed the same path for the first 22 years of our lives. We were born and raised in the same small community. We became best friends in first grade singing "Nobody likes us, everybody hates us, guess we'll go eat worms" on the playground. We had a huge falling out our junior year in high school, but after several months we reconciled and became even closer. We both lost our virginity our senior year in high school. We both went to college (her to NWMSU, me to Mizzou). We were engaged and married within a few months of one another. We both dropped out of college. Then I moved to Kirksville and we began to take different paths. I realized that I was miserable in my marriage, got out and got back into college. She stayed married and had two children.

I'm concerned that she is so unhappy, but she says she's staying in the marriage for her children's sake and not hers. She says, "I just want my girls to be happy - nothing else matters." She's convinced it's the best thing for them. I tend to think that the kids will be happier if their parents are happier, and if their parents are happier apart then that's the best thing for them. However, since I can't tell her to leave her husband (that's a decision she needs to make on her own) I try to convince her to do some things for herself. She tried going back to school and was really enjoying it, but couldn't afford to continue and P didn't like that she was away so much. I also suggest that she and P do something together, just the two of them without the girls, to try and rekindle that spark I remember they once had for each other. And, I always provide a shoulder to lean on and a listening ear whenever I can.

You know, I may have developed a rut and may be lonely, but at least I'm happy. Things could be worse, and heaven knows I've lived through worse, but when I think about my friend M I realize I've got a pretty good thing going here and I shouldn't complain.